Respect

Looking Back

First, listen to this song:
http://hypem.com/#/track/784858/Fionn+Regan+-+Abacus

At this time of year, I used to listen to my mom talk to the big kids who were graduating from high school. I would look at them in awe, like they were a million years older than me, and a million times wiser. Now that I'm there, I'm wondering what happened to that promised wisdom.

Here's a portion from a memoir I wrote as a part of my English class.

I admired my brother's friends very much. I marveled at their free-spirited lifestyle, and creativity. I had skin and bone relationships with my friends. There was no depth. I always felt as if I was holding myself back around them. When you are thirteen, creativity is not a desired virtue. I was able to look at these people as icons of fabulous teenage years to come. I realize now that I’m at that stage, that “thrilling” time, that I was only seeing one dimension of 17-year-olds. I did have good reason to admire them, and I still do admire those qualities, but I’m now able to criticize other aspects about my brother and his friends that were in my blind spots at thirteen.
-They did have a certain youthfulness I was never able to capture.

FML

What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.
Why do I feel so awful?
This shouldn't make me feel awful.
I don't know what to say.
This whole thing is just stupid.

Changes

I care less about high school. I care less about bullshit.

I care more about people I love and value. I care about music. I care about summer.

Restored

I just got home from a 12 hour drive from Saskatoon. Groggy, and restless, I'm really reluctant to be back in the real world. I had such an amazing week at National Youth Band. Musicians are such amazing people. Being in that environment restored my faith in wanting to be a musician.

When you get shivers from one of those perfect moments in music. It feels so good that I can't imagine wanting to do anything else with my life than striving for those moments every day.

I miss everyone in the band. I made so many fantastic friends. I really don't want to be in Gimli right now.

Lucky Stones

Today, it was WARM. Literally, warm. Warm wind is a sensation I had missed so much I didn't realize it until I felt it again. I walked along the beach for the first time this year. I could smell the sand and rotting wood and leaves, a familiar smell associated with so many different emotions and times in my life. I have this intense attachment to the lake, and the beach. It is the only place were I can really clear my head, and just think. Living in Gimli for 13 years has by no means desensitized me to the beauty of it all. I will be spending a lot of time at the beach this year.

How much does a feeling weigh?

A feeling I've held onto for months, with the hopes it will come back
vs.
Realistic happiness.