Goals

Simplicity should be a destination, not a limitation.

Sloth of a Musician

I am so lazy.

All my laziness has accumulated inside of me this semester, and now that I don't have anything in particular to accomplish, I've become an absolute sloth. It's great.

That said, I do have a relentlessly guilty impulse to practice horn. I have a big audition coming up. It pokes and prods my mind while I'm napping and eating cookies. It taps me on the shoulder while I'm out with my friends. I feel like it throws crumpled up pieces of paper in my general direction, and they hit the floor and stare at me blankly. It's more of a nuisance than anything else. This impulse equals me for the rest of my life.

I have been practicing, but not nearly enough. I know I said this yesterday, but there's always tomorrow.

December 20

I used to feel afraid of time. I worried about losing it. I worried about regret. Not regret for what I did, but what I didn't do. What I was missing out on. I felt pressured to experience things that a sixteen-year-old should. I had some of those experiences. Enough. To be honest, I don't really even remember most the things I did when I was sixteen. Two years ago, and only fragments remain important to me.

Now, I don't feel that way. I am doing things that make me happy. I'm also doing things that make me stressed, and angry, and lonely. But those things are part of what makes me happy when I step away from it all.

Coming home, I found sticky note messages all over my bedroom. Reminders to breathe, sad words, love notes. All the things I needed to see when I woke up every morning. They will stay here, until they no longer stick, and they will fall on the floor. One day, I'll probably clear the dust off of them, and keep them in the little pocket in the back of my journal.

They'll always matter.

And Heaven and Nature sing

I feel so happy right now.

Today, it finally snowed.

A morning with Margaret Atwood,

A performance with some very lovely people,

A very happy day for a best friend,

A coffee date with an old friend.

I feel like I am finally closer to my niche.

I have so many new fabulous friends.

School isn't as unbearable stressful as before.

I'm redefining my small pleasures in life.

Christmas is coming. The snow and the lights tell me so.

Soon I can go home, Oh, Little town of Gimli,

For three weeks of family and chocolate and Christmas aromas.

Three weeks of skating and friends and Operation Red Nose.

Have you ever noticed that the year is divided by two fabulous poles?

Folk Fest, Christmas, Folk Fest, Christmas.... and around it goes,

generating momentum of swirling feelings of excitement and nostalgia.

I can't help but smile today.

Sufjan Stevens- Joy to the World

Midterms

University is the most tiring thing I've ever done.

I may collapse soon.

We'll see how it goes.

Naked As We Came

As much as I love university, I miss July.

And I just realized now, as I'm listening to Iron and Wine.

Immediately I'm taken back to humid sunset car rides

and all my old feelings.

Summer was the intermission between Act V and VI

then and now

childhood and adulthood

I got to university not fully understanding why I'm here.

I still don't really understand.

I don't know what I want to get out of it all. University, Music, Horn.

I can't give myself an answer right now.

More than anything, I feel like I am learning to love music.

And that's enough for now.

Some of my Favourite Things

bicycles

sticky notes

bestfriends

sunlight

strawberry, as in the word, the fruit, and the general feeling it gives.

brass that consumes your soul

duvets

children

falling asleep to rain

harmony

circles

wild flowers

Heather Lair quilts

Heather Lair

learning

regret

people watching

winnipeg folk festival

sleep

south beach

shadows

photographs

piano & tambourine

nostalgia

thought

music that kicks you in the face

fruit

Handstand Tricks

I tried to to handstands for you.
But I forgot I'm lousy at that stuff.
Now I'm black and blue
from
you.
In the very worst way.

Blue Mountains

It seems that every time I make a resolution to stop doing something, I cave, and just keep getting stuck in my old ruts. Why is it that I have such a hard time letting go of something I don't even want anymore?

Summer is treating me well. I love both of my jobs. I'm having a fantastic time indulging in summer with the loves of my life.

To practice maintaining resolutions, I am going to do more of the following things this summer:
biking
reading
writing
sailing
spend time with my parents
playing horn

I'll see how that goes.

A Little While

I've graduated from high school. I'm an alumni.
I walked into the school yesterday, and somehow the air felt lighter than it ever had before. My shoulders were unweighted.

I got a new job that makes me very happy.
Spending eight hours with little children brings me back.
I forgot how big of a deal it is to skip TWO monkey bars.
"TWOOO, Emily! He skipped TWO!"
Everyday they remind me of being young, but also make me excited to have my own, someday.

I've lost a certain tie with someone, but regained my dignity.
I'm done with all that.
I shouldn't have to try at all, anymore. What do I owe?
We say we are going to try to be friends, but he and I have a very different idea of what friendship is.

In one week, I will be in Birds Hill Provincial Park, counting empty toilet paper rolls, and making sample crafts.
Then, we dance.
FOLK FEST
My absolute favourite place in the whole wide world.

An Ending

It's so hard to hear what you don't want to hear.
Giving up is not something I can do easily.
Yesterday, I was juvenile.
I begged.
I couldn't accept what I knew was best.
I lost a lot of dignity.
Today, though, I'm okay.
It's going to be okay.
I'm going to be okay.

Respect

Looking Back

First, listen to this song:
http://hypem.com/#/track/784858/Fionn+Regan+-+Abacus

At this time of year, I used to listen to my mom talk to the big kids who were graduating from high school. I would look at them in awe, like they were a million years older than me, and a million times wiser. Now that I'm there, I'm wondering what happened to that promised wisdom.

Here's a portion from a memoir I wrote as a part of my English class.

I admired my brother's friends very much. I marveled at their free-spirited lifestyle, and creativity. I had skin and bone relationships with my friends. There was no depth. I always felt as if I was holding myself back around them. When you are thirteen, creativity is not a desired virtue. I was able to look at these people as icons of fabulous teenage years to come. I realize now that I’m at that stage, that “thrilling” time, that I was only seeing one dimension of 17-year-olds. I did have good reason to admire them, and I still do admire those qualities, but I’m now able to criticize other aspects about my brother and his friends that were in my blind spots at thirteen.
-They did have a certain youthfulness I was never able to capture.

FML

What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.
Why do I feel so awful?
This shouldn't make me feel awful.
I don't know what to say.
This whole thing is just stupid.

Changes

I care less about high school. I care less about bullshit.

I care more about people I love and value. I care about music. I care about summer.

Restored

I just got home from a 12 hour drive from Saskatoon. Groggy, and restless, I'm really reluctant to be back in the real world. I had such an amazing week at National Youth Band. Musicians are such amazing people. Being in that environment restored my faith in wanting to be a musician.

When you get shivers from one of those perfect moments in music. It feels so good that I can't imagine wanting to do anything else with my life than striving for those moments every day.

I miss everyone in the band. I made so many fantastic friends. I really don't want to be in Gimli right now.

Lucky Stones

Today, it was WARM. Literally, warm. Warm wind is a sensation I had missed so much I didn't realize it until I felt it again. I walked along the beach for the first time this year. I could smell the sand and rotting wood and leaves, a familiar smell associated with so many different emotions and times in my life. I have this intense attachment to the lake, and the beach. It is the only place were I can really clear my head, and just think. Living in Gimli for 13 years has by no means desensitized me to the beauty of it all. I will be spending a lot of time at the beach this year.

How much does a feeling weigh?

A feeling I've held onto for months, with the hopes it will come back
vs.
Realistic happiness.

The Heart of Life is Good

This evening I went on a very wonderful bike ride with a very lovely girl. Fantastic girl, in fact. To me, she symbolizes Good. Not only Good itself, but the ways in which a person looks for it, and finds it. I don't mean Good in terms of "perfection", but just being happy, and comfortable. Having a perfect balance in life. Or more accurately, the path to which a person finds that. I can't articulate it very well.

Really, I just love and admire her very much, and value our friendship so much.

Ugh. High School.

I bought a dress for Grad.
Not at Grad Dress.
It's nice.

I'm excited to wear the dress. I'm not particularly thrilled for the night itself, but I am extremely excited for what it represents:
The END.

Reminder of a fourteenth summer

Ambiguous Arrogance and Ignorance

Yesterday I put a great deal of effort into a conversation to remove a big chunk of bullshit from my life, and ended up adding a whole lot more. How does this always happen?
I feel so confused about that entire conversation. I don't think I could have received a more ambiguous solution to my unease.
I'm frustrated with the fact that once again, I failed to confidently put across my feelings, and left both of us confused about what I'm looking for.
Maybe what I'm looking for, just isn't there, and no matter how much I passively demand it, it's never going to come. Whether it doesn't exist, or he is not willing to give it to me, I'm not sure.

Humidity

I listen to music that I loved in the summer, and I can feel humidity wrap around me. I see the green glow from lush trees, and I feel warm wind on my face. It's like there is still sand stuck to my skin.
In summer I feel more human than any other time.
It makes me so happy that there are only good things are to come in my life. I'm not sure what exactly will happen, but I feel like I am done with dealing with bullshit. I don't want to play that game anymore. Knowing that, I feel like I can make my life whatever I want it to be.
And that feels like humidity.

"I'm so White"

I'm the first to admit, I am very White. I buy expensive sandwiches, I don't have TV, I wear Birkenstocks, I buy food from Farmers Markets, I belong to a non-profit organization, and the list definitely goes on. It's funny, and I think it's great that there is a definite, documented, derogatory (if only slightly) stereotype associated with my race.

I would just like to point out, though, that

THE MOST WHITE THING OF ALL,

is associating with Whiteness. That includes:
reading the book
calling yourself or others white
wearing the shirts
taking the "Whiteness" tests
reading the blog
etc, etc.

(Manifest)

I realize now, that I misheard the real lyrics to this song, and they really don't apply to me. But for the purposes of making me feel better about my current position, I will post the lyrics as such:

So tell me nothing matters less or more,
Say whatever we think actions are.
We'll never know what anything was for,
if near is just as far away as far.
If I'm permitted one act I can say,
I choose to sit here next to you and wait.

School Sucks

As of, like, the beginning of this week, I realized I hate school.
I don't have any motivation to do any of my work.
The halls depress me, and the teachers make my ears ring.
My high-volume-iPod-hallway-walk-escapes are pretty frequent these days.
The social aspect of high school is the only thing I'd like to hang on to.
Our grade is getting along really well, and I have become better friends with so many people.

As much as I'm shit scared to go to university,
I really can't wait to get there, and focus on my music.
I'm in a bit of a rut now that I've auditioned and gotten in. I don't have anything major to prepare for. NYB, I guess, but that doesn't feel like a big deal to me. I know it will be fun.
I want to make music, not just practice.
BAND CLASS is definitely not fulfilling that craving for me.
It's okay though,
CHERLET-bound, we are!

This very secret heart

Secret Heart
Why so mysterious
Why so sacred
Why so serious
I've waited for a long time,
and my feelings are hurt.
Think about me for a second,
even if it's the first.

Maybe you're afraid,
don't be. Really.
What could it be?
I've only good things in store.

Let me into your secret heart.

Stopped in my tracks.

I have the most amazing friends in the world.
It never ceases to amaze me how strong, kind, loving, beautiful, and intelligent they all are.
I am so proud of them for everything they've accomplished.
They will forever be my role models, and I feel so lucky to have them in my life.

I feel nauseous.

I had a dream last night about the first day of university. I was so incredibly nervous. Probably because I actually am. Now i have a constant nervous feeling in my stomach, and I want to puke. It's easy to watch other people move away and go to school, but it's actually setting in that I will be moving away and going to university. I've been saying it, but not believing it. Oh God.

Karma

Just for kicks, I thought I would watch Twilight. See what it's all about, ya know?
I immediately regret that decision.
I GOT RICK ROLLED.
It's karma, and i know it. I should have known better.
I can't imagine what would happen if i had tried to read the book.
I'll stick to real literature, thanks.
HALF the girls at my school carry around cheap paperback copies of Twilight with the movie poster slapped on the cover, and I bet half of those girls have the poster hanging in their room, and their movie ticket stuck in the frame of their mirror.
FUCK Twilight.

Spring?

A WHOLE week.
Of nothing.
That of course is will not happen.
My goal however,
is to read.
Starting with re-reading
my favourite short story.
Right now.

Relevant, I know.

We Feel Fine

"We Feel Fine is an exploration of human emotion on a global scale.

Since August 2005, We Feel Fine has been harvesting human feelings from a large number of weblogs. Every few minutes, the system searches the world's newly posted blog entries for occurrences of the phrases "I feel" and "I am feeling". When it finds such a phrase, it records the full sentence, up to the period, and identifies the "feeling" expressed in that sentence (e.g. sad, happy, depressed, etc.)."

Prairie Town

I've been wondering, what it means to get over something, or someone.
There's a song, that had painful attachment to a person who once made my heart ache for a year, more. Now, four years later, I rarely think of that person, but often laugh at myself for it. This song, however, makes me immensely sad when I listen to it. There is no attachment to the person, but I know that's where the sadness originated.
It's a feeling I don't want to go away. I'd really like to hold onto that twinge in my stomach, as a reminder.

It's about me, really.

The thing about the internet, is that it gives you a sense of sharing your existence with the world, but there is a definite probability that the world will not care.

I am trying to make some sort of pattern out of my life, and document all those things I'd otherwise forget, with hopes that when I read this years from now, what's passed will be magnified. I want to remember myself more than I want myself to be remembered by others.